Can I be a Gentle Parent?

The very first two sentences in the forward of the book "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" by Hilary Flower says this . . .

"Sometimes, I really, really feel like hitting my kids. There, I've said it."

And I laughed out loud because that statement is sooo true. I can only imagine the reaction of all my friends reading this that don't have kids - "GASP! How could you EVER even think about hitting your beautiful children?!?!" You may not say it out loud, but you are probably thinking it on some level. I don't blame you, but it's like childbirth, you can never fully grasp the concept fully until you are in the trenches living it. Then one day you'll go "now I get it".

Even though I've had the urge to just completely lose my cool with my toddler, so far I've avoided it. However, about 2 weeks ago when I had to give myself a time-out from him before I hauled off and spanked him, I decided I needed some alternatives. Now, if you choose to spank your children or not too - that's not what this post is about. It's also not about right verses wrong. I believe that couples need to come together in agreement about parameters of discipline, which is what my husband and I did.

When we found out we were pregnant my hubby said, "I will gladly follow your lead when it comes to parenting our kids, you've been immersed in the culture of children, healthcare and parenting choices longer and more thoroughly than I have and I trust your judgement. However, my one request - I insist that we don't spank or hit our kids"

My heart melted even more at those words and again, I was so thankful he is the father of my children. I think that if I did spank it would be a last-ditch kind of thing, when I would be at the end of my emotional rope. When you are in that place emotionally, that's not the time to reason with anybody, let alone my child who I want to have a relationship filled with love, trust and communication forever with. I think hitting my child would cross some line between us, because he would know somewhere there is an invisible threshold where he would be manually forced into submission or obeying. I don't want such a fear-based conditioning to be in our relationship. So I jumped right on board with the "no spanking" thing.

Then you have days where you are trying to have your toddler stand in the corner for his time-out, but he keeps getting out of the corner and looking at you, laughing and running away. I held it together so well for the first 25 minutes of calmly getting him, standing him back in the corner and saying "time-out starts now". Jo from Supernanny would have been proud. However, never have I seen an episode where the mom is also nursing a young infant, which at this point is now screaming because he's hungry. So as I'm trying to nurse my 3 1/2 month old my toddler is continuing his antics. Finally I just had to put him in his room until I fed his brother to keep from completely losing it - believe me I wanted too - and that feeling of being so enraged toward my child was scary once I took a step back.

I called a dear friend later that day and was complaining that my toddler has such a sweet, but ACTIVE spirit. (Btw, for to give you a viewpoint of how truly active he is. . . when your midwife who has interacted with thousands of kids comments "wow, he really is in the top percentile in terms of activity isn't he?" you know he's oozing with vitality). The hubby and I don't want to break his spirit to try and control him by demanding obedience, but instead parent with understanding and love. She responded "That's the beautiful thing about it. He was sent to you because you want to nurture and encourage him. God knew it would take a special set of parents to recognize that amazing spirit in him and work with it, not break it". I broke down in tears, because at that moment I needed to hear that, Yes, I was on the right track and doing the right thing.

I still raise my voice more than I'd like, so when I saw this book at the last Le Leche League meeting I snatched it up. I'm sure it will provide some valuable insight. I'll let you know how I handle my next almost meltdown. For those of you following this, the brushing continues to go well. It's nice to have that one on one connection with my son at various points throughout the day. Now I just have to get my husband to remember to do it :-)

The Art of Brushing

Since my two-and-a-half year old is lagging in the speech department we had an evaluation performed through the Early On program. A note for my fellow chiropractors, make sure you are familiar with this program (administered through the school system) so that you can refer children if needed. There are many aspects about this process I could post about. Maybe eventually I will get around to it, but for right now I want to share my experience with the occupational therapist assigned to my son's case. With the training in pediatric care that I've had, Miss Paula and I were speaking the same language.

Miss Paula came Thursday for our first session. We started with an in-depth conversation about what my son's personality, routine and diet are like. She was pretty excited about what we had already been doing. Things like lots of fresh fruits and veggies, supplements, chiropractic adjustments, cooking with coconut oil and making sure he has outside time every day. Since my son is "high octane" (lots of energy and the best smile you've ever seen) we focused on things we can do to ground him, hence the brushing. I had heard of the technique, especially for dealing with sensory processing disorders, but had no real idea what it involved.

The brush is a simple surgical-prep brush. As you can see in the picture, I'm pressing pretty firmly. This is a must, because you are wanting to stimulate the deep pressure receptors. Using strong, firm strokes you can either brush one direction or rub back and forth in a smaller area. This is done on the limbs, hands, feet and I include the back. You follow this act with joint compression of the brushed areas. "The most important part," Miss Paula said "is the joint compression you do after the brushing". Now, this made complete sense. When you perform quick and light distraction and compression of the joint you are resetting the proprioceptors of the joint capsule. I will manually do this to his upper limbs and for the lower limbs I either have him jump a few times or pick him up an inch or so and lightly thump him back down on his feet. Also, I press down firmly on his shoulders a few times as I look into his eyes nose to nose and make funny faces.

My son takes in much of his environmental input thru physical means - he is very tactile and always touching or doing something. Brushing, for him, is very grounding and helps focus his energies for a bit. Brushing can be used for hyposensory situations or hypersensory situations in children. However, if you do the brushing without resetting the joint after then you leave the nervous system in limbo. As you can imagine, this is very upsetting for a nervous system that is already in a state of irritation and dysfunction.

Here's the exciting conclusion . Brushing and other occupational therapy techniques and chiropractic adjustments are just different facets of the same purpose . . . to RECONNECT DISCONNECTED KIDS. To improve the communication between the brain and body. This is why children with neurosensory issues have the best results using a multi-faceted approach - each small act (adjustments, brushing, exercise, diet, etc.) contributes to a greater movement toward equilibrium which benefits everyone.

Meeting Miss Paula has been a blessing. My son has been absolutely loving this brushing technique as have I. It's been a great way for him to slow down and really focus on something he enjoys. Also, the connection with each other in those short seconds is priceless.

Being Anti-Bumbo

You all know those cute little foam Bumbo seats which are now a "must have" if you expecting offspring. Well I have resolutely decided that my child does not need and will not use one. This post came about through an innocent exchange with my mom. My son, at 2 1/2-3 months starting expressing his dislike with his supine-lying position. Who can blame him - the lights and ceiling fans can only provoke so much interest. Anyway, he would lay there with his little, chubby arms extended forward and curling his chin to his chest in his monumental effort to achieve a sitting position. Upon seeing this, one day my mom asked "Should we get him a Bumbo seat?". My eyes bugged out of my head as I replied with a rather loud "NO". Of course I was asked "Why not?". For any of you wondering the same thing here is my rational. . .

First, being a chiropractor, it seems to me it wouldn't be a good thing for the spine. You are placing a baby in a position that loads and stresses the spinal joints and pelvis before they are naturally suppose to sustain the load.

Second, when observing my son in his quest to sit-up I noticed that what he is doing is a baby crunch.

Q: Why do millions of us do crunches as part of our workout routine?

A: To strengthen our abdominal muscles.

Q: What do the abdominal muscles do?

A: They are essential for core control of the body and also are vital for SUPPORT OF THE LUMBAR SPINE by helping to alliviate some of the mechanical load placed on the spinal joints.

So why would I want to mess with natures perfect, innate way to develop core muscles and establish proper neuromuscular firing patterns with a product that is probably toxic to make and when it's no longer shiny and new will sit in a landfill? Maybe I'm being a little too harsh, but I am frustrated by all the baby "gadgets" that the media and culture says we "need". FYI - Just because we have the money and technology for these things doesn't mean it's the best thing for our kids.