"Sometimes, I really, really feel like hitting my kids. There, I've said it."
And I laughed out loud because that statement is sooo true. I can only imagine the reaction of all my friends reading this that don't have kids - "GASP! How could you EVER even think about hitting your beautiful children?!?!" You may not say it out loud, but you are probably thinking it on some level. I don't blame you, but it's like childbirth, you can never fully grasp the concept fully until you are in the trenches living it. Then one day you'll go "now I get it".
Even though I've had the urge to just completely lose my cool with my toddler, so far I've avoided it. However, about 2 weeks ago when I had to give myself a time-out from him before I hauled off and spanked him, I decided I needed some alternatives. Now, if you choose to spank your children or not too - that's not what this post is about. It's also not about right verses wrong. I believe that couples need to come together in agreement about parameters of discipline, which is what my husband and I did.
When we found out we were pregnant my hubby said, "I will gladly follow your lead when it comes to parenting our kids, you've been immersed in the culture of children, healthcare and parenting choices longer and more thoroughly than I have and I trust your judgement. However, my one request - I insist that we don't spank or hit our kids"
My heart melted even more at those words and again, I was so thankful he is the father of my children. I think that if I did spank it would be a last-ditch kind of thing, when I would be at the end of my emotional rope. When you are in that place emotionally, that's not the time to reason with anybody, let alone my child who I want to have a relationship filled with love, trust and communication forever with. I think hitting my child would cross some line between us, because he would know somewhere there is an invisible threshold where he would be manually forced into submission or obeying. I don't want such a fear-based conditioning to be in our relationship. So I jumped right on board with the "no spanking" thing.
Then you have days where you are trying to have your toddler stand in the corner for his time-out, but he keeps getting out of the corner and looking at you, laughing and running away. I held it together so well for the first 25 minutes of calmly getting him, standing him back in the corner and saying "time-out starts now". Jo from Supernanny would have been proud. However, never have I seen an episode where the mom is also nursing a young infant, which at this point is now screaming because he's hungry. So as I'm trying to nurse my 3 1/2 month old my toddler is continuing his antics. Finally I just had to put him in his room until I fed his brother to keep from completely losing it - believe me I wanted too - and that feeling of being so enraged toward my child was scary once I took a step back.
I called a dear friend later that day and was complaining that my toddler has such a sweet, but ACTIVE spirit. (Btw, for to give you a viewpoint of how truly active he is. . . when your midwife who has interacted with thousands of kids comments "wow, he really is in the top percentile in terms of activity isn't he?" you know he's oozing with vitality). The hubby and I don't want to break his spirit to try and control him by demanding obedience, but instead parent with understanding and love. She responded "That's the beautiful thing about it. He was sent to you because you want to nurture and encourage him. God knew it would take a special set of parents to recognize that amazing spirit in him and work with it, not break it". I broke down in tears, because at that moment I needed to hear that, Yes, I was on the right track and doing the right thing.
I still raise my voice more than I'd like, so when I saw this book at the last Le Leche League meeting I snatched it up. I'm sure it will provide some valuable insight. I'll let you know how I handle my next almost meltdown. For those of you following this, the brushing continues to go well. It's nice to have that one on one connection with my son at various points throughout the day. Now I just have to get my husband to remember to do it :-)
